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Hey Guys,

sorry for not posting anything on here in the last few days, but I’m really stuck in a depressive phase again. It’s so frustrating since I actually want to do a billion things, but I barely find the energy for getting all this simple day-to-day-business things done…

It’s the first longer depressive episode since quite a time…. I haven’t told you yet, but I was diagnosed with a bipolar personality disorder in a bit more than a year ago and my doc put me on medication for more than 6 months. It was a horrible experience, to be honest… First, the medication was quite effective and I got back to almost normal – but I was tired as hell, I could sleep all day long, and I wasn’t very into going outside and meeting friends anymore – short; I felt like an emotional and physical zombie. Furthermore, the medication helped for about the first 4-7 days after I increased my daily dose, then I got worse again… I wasn’t willing to increase my dose every week, so I decided to cut down on them. Finally, in July, I stopped taking them at all. My new job, my workmates, friends (especially V. and D.) and some new hobbies (geocaching, hiking, learning Czech, cooking…) helped me a lot during this time. I got better and better every day, I felt more powerful than ever before, and I figured out some “skills” to prevent myself from falling in those black, deep, dark holes called depression, such as doing Sudoku & Crosswords, studying, jogging, just going outside taking pictures, go for a swim etc. etc. It really went well for the last 3-4 months, so I don’t want to complain about those few days I’m down again.

The only thing that really frustrates me is the fact that I don’t really know where it comes from this time. Is it because of the beginning of the semester? Or because of the rather stressful schedule I organized with 3 days working, 3 days studying, 1 day off? Is it because of my attempt to lose weight, that doesn’t work as I expected it to work? Is it the grey, cold and wet autumn weather? Or something completely different?

I was also kinda worried and afraid of yesterday. I felt a lump in my breast, so I had a doctor’s appointment in early September. My doc has felt it as well, and she sent me to see another doc at our local hospital. The appointment was yesterday. The doctor there was a really nice, young lady, and I felt quite comfortable during the examination. After looking at the lump via medical ultrasonics, she told me that the lump looks rather like a innocuous one, a so called fibroadenoma. To be sure, she suggested, I should come again on the 11/11/2013 on 11 a.m. (what a date, I’m sure that’s gonna bring luck), so she can do a biopsy to be completely sure that it’s not cancer. Actually I’m quite becalmed and optimistic about the whole thing, although I’m a bit scared of the biopsy… So I don’t really think that that’s the reason for my depressive episode.

However, I’m trying to distract myself a little bit today. I didn’t feel like going to the Uni (it was just one single seminar) and do some stuff I should have done earlier, so maybe I’ll feel a little better tonight, if I at least managed to get those things done:

  • doing the laundry
  • vacuum-cleaning and mopping the apartment
  • cleaning the bathroom
  • get the daily tasks of my Czech-learning-program done
  • disposing of the empties
  • writing the concept of my seminar paper
  • maybe even begin with the writing process of the seminar paper
  • revising for the theoretical exam for the driver’s license
  • Skype with V. as a reward when this list is completed… 😀
  • if there’s still energy left, I’d like to share a very special, Swiss recipe with you – I made “Capuns” on Saturday night, and they were soooo delicious! =)

Yesterday, I also found a lovely song by El Nino featuring Eliška Bučková called Při mně stůj (it’s Czech and means “Stand By Me” if I’m not completely mistaken) that I liked quite a lot. Guess I should search for some more Czech singers, might help improving my syntax-knowledge etc… 🙂 Any recommendations are welcome. 🙂

Here’s the song:

3 thoughts on “Stuck…

  1. Ah! I can’t imagine how frustrating that would be. My thoughts are with you, dear – and it sounds like you are one smart lady who is taking control the best way she can. Please keep us updated on how you are doing!

    • Thank you for your kind words, Jess A, and also for the compliment. I really try to keep myself going, no matter what… There are days where everything goes easy and I feel like I could do a thousand things at the same time, and there are days when I don’t even have the power to crawl out of bed.. But I think it’s getting better soon… =)
      For today I’m almost done with the laundry, the bath is clean as well, and I feel like doing the rest now… But I’ll be glad if it’s all done… Especially the University-Stuff… -.-

      Sending you a big hug… 🙂

  2. Hi,
    long time ago I was fond of Raduza, Czech singer, maybe you know her, if not, take a look at this song

    I just loved lyrics, very poetic and strong:

    Žlutý gladioly
    hudba, text: Radůza

    Ten vítr mě bere
    pěkně pod krkem
    životem žene
    a jenom úprkem
    cestou mi zpívá
    kde už všude byl
    já napůl živá
    hledám jeho cíl

    Žlutý, žlutý gladioly
    s nebem si tančí
    tančí s nebem barkaroly
    s nebem si tančí
    žlutý gladioly

    Ten vítr mi zpívá
    sukně z boků bere
    jaká láska divá
    do srdce se dere
    jaká láska divá
    mi to v srdci roste
    nevyjdu z ní živá
    pálí mě až v kostech

    Žlutý, žlutý gladioly…

    Ten vítr, co hojí mě
    i všechno kolem
    třese mnou jak chvojím
    nad vánočním stolem
    to vítr, jen vítr
    jen vítr se mnou zbyl
    s sebou mě nese
    a v dálce vidím cíl…

    Your postcrossing friend Alzbeta:)

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